


Basket Case Redux: The Unspeakable Mystery

by alkjira, diemarysues



Series: Paws Pitter-Pattering [8]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Animals, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Fluff and Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-19
Updated: 2014-03-19
Packaged: 2018-01-16 08:10:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1338280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alkjira/pseuds/alkjira, https://archiveofourown.org/users/diemarysues/pseuds/diemarysues
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bilbo looked up at Ori. "Have your siblings done anything unspeakable?"</p>
<p>The kitten shook his head. "Not that I know of."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Basket Case Redux: The Unspeakable Mystery

**Author's Note:**

> I [alkjira] hate titles and summaries *makes grumpy face*

“Dad, what are you doing?”

"I'm definitely not hiding from your father because I accidentally gnawed on his favourite toy that he refuses to admit that he likes playing with.”   
  
Nope. Not doing anything of the sort, Bilbo thought as he pressed himself to the bottom of the cat basket.  
  
Ori gasped. “Dad!”

"Not so loud, Ori,” Bilbo said and tried to flatten himself a little more. Not that he was hiding. He just wanted to spend some time with his youngest. It was just a coincidence that Ori was in a basket with a fairly high edge up on the living room table. Indeed. It had nothing to do with Thorin being unable to spot him if he stayed there. Not at all.

"I don't like when you and Father fight,” Ori said quietly and when Bilbo turned to look at him the kitten’s face was all droopy whiskers and ears. Bilbo sighed and scurried over to rub their noses together (which was only possible because Ori was lying down. They were growing up so fast!).  
  
"We're not fighting. We're just about to have a...” Bilbo’s nose twitched. “Discussion. That I don't want to have."  
  
“Bilbo! Bilbo where are you?” It sounded like Thorin’s voice came from the kitchen. Good. The kitchen was not the living room. “One of the children has done something...  _unspeakable_.”  
  
Bilbo looked up at Ori. "Have your siblings done anything unspeakable?"

The kitten shook his head. "Not that I know of."

"Good."  
  
"Bilbo, where _are_ you?"  
  
Ignoring his mate Bilbo looked contemplatively at Ori, then down at himself.  
  
"Ori could you please lie down on top of me?"  
  
"Will I get in trouble?"  
  
"No, darling.” The hamster stretched out a tiny paw to pat the much bigger one belonging to his son. “Of course not. And not if you don't want to hide me either. I'll just - I'm going to go and relocate to the hallway."  
  
If he hid inside a coat pocket Thorin would _never_ find him.  
  
"No, no, Dad, it's fine.” The kitten tilted his head. “You'll blend in with my fur better anyway."  
  
"Maybe if you pretend to sleep?" Bilbo suggested as Ori carefully arranged himself over him.   
  
Ori wasn't the best of liars and Bilbo loved his honesty, but not when it would lead to Thorin yelling.   
  
It wasn’t like he’d meant to gnaw on the toy until the string snapped and the feathers came off, it just… happened. He’d been distracted. The toy had smelled like Thorin and grass and yeah. Probably shouldn’t have put his teeth in it in the first place… He’d just planned to have a bit of a nibble, just to get rid of a an itch and then…Catastrophe. Emphasis on the _cat_ part.  
  
"Okay Dad," Ori whispered, closing his eyes.

Bilbo smiled when his baby started to purr, then frowned, because Ori usually didn't purr in his sleep and Thorin knew it. 

"Sweetheart, you're purring," Bilbo whispered. “Can you stop?”

"I don't know how," the kitten said after a brief silence.   
  
"Oh, baby.” Bilbo rubbed his head against Ori’s vibrating belly. “Maybe I'll just try the hallway -"

"No, Dad, why don't  _you_  pretend to sleep? Father won't disturb you."

Bilbo was less convinced of the truth of that statement. It had been Thorin's favourite 'of course I don't play with them'-toy. (They were _not_ only there for their kittens, no matter what his mate claimed…)

"Just, stay like this, and if your father asks if you've seen me..." 

Bilbo hesitated because he didn't want to ask Ori to lie. "Tell him I said that I was going to go into the hallway." He _had_ said that, so it wasn’t not a lie. Technically.   
  
Ori nodded and rearranged himself a bit so he wouldn’t squash Bilbo, and they got themselves sorted out just in time for Bilbo to hear and feel the slight judder of Thorin jumping up onto the table.

"Oh. Ori. What are you up to?"

"N-nothing. Just lying down." Ori squirmed a little. "-so I'm not really up at all, dad."

Thorin's whiskers twitched in amusement. "Clever boy. Have you seen your daddy?"  
  
"He... said he was going to the hallway?"

Bilbo inwardly winced. He loved his children and wouldn’t trade them for anything, but sometimes he wished that Nori had been a little more like Ori and Ori had been just a little more like Nori. Just to even things out if nothing else.

"He did, did he? Did he shout it from the floor or did he climb up on the table to give you the happy news?"

"My hearing's not that bad, dad."

"And guess who you've inherited that from.” Thorin’s tone was very dry and Bilbo bit back a sigh. “Bilbo I _know_ you're in the basket. I can hear you breathing."  
 _  
Darn it_. "I was trying to sleep, darling,” Bilbo replied, without moving away from Ori.

"Underneath our son?"

With another sigh, more pointed, Bilbo squirmed out from beneath his youngest. "I'll have you know he's _very_ comfortable."  
  
Ori’s purring took on a deeper note and Bilbo affectionately rubbed his head against his son’s side.

Thorin was busy staring down at Ori. "So. When you said you were just lying down, you were lying as well."

Ori's ears flicked, and the purring abruptly stopped. If it was from guilt or the poor joke Bilbo didn't know. 

"Darling, he  _was_  lying down. As in being in a prone position."

"And also lying to me." He turned back to Ori. "Do  _not_  make it a habit."

"Oh stop taking your grumpiness out on Ori," Bilbo huffed when the kitten sighed and seemed to deflate against the bottom of the basket. "I said that I was going to the hallway. I just never went. He wasn’t lying."  
  
"Hrm,” Thorin scoffed. “Be that as it may, there’s still a mystery that needs solving. Come along, then.”   
  
Thorin was apparently taking no chances, lying down so Bilbo could clamber onto his back. Before Bilbo did so he took a moment to press his nose against Ori’s, the poor darling still looked a bit guilty and Bilbo made a mental note to come back and cuddle with him some more later. Also, best get the cuddling in now before he fancied himself too old for it.

"So, a mystery?" Bilbo asked a little... doubtfully as he climbed out of the basket and up on Thorin's back, settling where he could get a good grip on the fur at Thorin’s neck. "What mystery?"   
  
The… _incident_ with the toy was surely no mystery? It couldn't be about that, could it?

Once Bilbo was settled, Thorin started off at a gentle trot. "I told you, one of the children has done something unspeakable. I doubt Ori did it, so we've twelve to choose from."  
  
Bilbo hid a smile against Thorin's fur. "You doubt Ori did it because he wasn't anywhere nearby or because he is the only one of our children who has never tried climbing the curtains?"

Thorin grumbled under his breath. "Even _Dori_." Their mostly-black but also orange and white son had been chasing Nori, both having a grand time as the rest of their children cheered.

The curtains hadn't seemed as pleased. Nor had Kili's Ori, erm, the human-Kíli’s human-Ori (perhaps they should have thought twice about the names…) once he’d seen said curtains on the floor together with one of the plants.

"I would just like to point out how _I_ 've never climbed the curtains," Bilbo murmured.   
  
If the children took after someone it wasn’t-

"Doesn't mean you're not capable of mischief."

Trying to look innocent when Thorin couldn't see him was fairly meaningless, but Bilbo tried his best to _smell_ innocent.

Finally though, Thorin stopped. Bilbo could clearly hear the tension in his voice when he said, "Here."

"Um."

"Oh, right." He slid down so Bilbo would be able to clamber off.

The hamster did so and glanced at his cat and then back at the floor in front of them. "That's the unspeakable mystery?"

"It's good to know you're as disappointed as I am. I thought we taught them better."

Bilbo squirmed. "Darling..."

Thorin ignored him. "It was meant to be a surprise..."  
  
"But it turned into a mystery?"  
  
"Bilbo, I counted the flowers I fetched for you, and I know what colours I got. It was five, and they were _all_ yellow."

Bilbo looked back at the floor where six flowers rested, but only three yellow. Two were white, and one red, and all looked to be in use of some water. They were pretty though, and petunias were also very tasty. One of Bilbo’s favourites in fact, and oh. Had Thorin just said that he’d fetched them for _him_?

Now Bilbo felt really guilty. Thorin hadn't been looking for him because he wanted to yell at him. He wanted to give him _flowers_. Delicious flowers even.  
  
The hamster still wasn't sure why this counted as something _unspeakable_ though. Who cared if the flowers weren’t all yellow, it was-

“One - or more - of the children have gone _outside_."

Oh. _Oh_!

"They've _what_!?" Bilbo's pink little nose twitched wildly. " _Children_!"

Voices responded from various places all through their home. "Come here," Thorin called gravely.  
  
" _Now_!" Bilbo added.

Perhaps during different circumstances he would have been amused at the steady trickle of pups and kittens that streamed towards them from all directions. But he was most definitely _not_ amused.

Soon enough their thirteen children were lined up in front of them. None looked particularly guilty, except for Ori who didn’t quite meet Thorin's eyes. Little darling, he probably thought that Thorin was upset about the lying (down) thing still.

Thorin's tail lashed. "Who's done this?"  
  
"Done what?" Kíli asked, ears twitching. "The flowers aren't chewed on."

"Not that anyone _would_ chew on them," Fíli added. "Even if petunias do taste great..." He gave the blossoms an interested look. " _Can_ we eat them?"

"Someone already has it would seem," Bilbo said. "Your father collected five."

Dain attempted to scratch his chin, and fell forward in his attempt. "But there're six. Who could've ated them?

"Who could have _'eaten'_ them, sweetheart," Bilbo said on autopilot. Unspeakable mystery or not, it was not an excuse to neglect his children’s education.

"Wait," Pippin said, whiskers jerking in confusion. "If there were five and now there's six, then there're more."

"Someone has un-eaten a flower!" Merry said with big eyes. "Cool. I want to learn that too."  
  
"Nothing's been uneaten. Two yellow ones have been eaten. These three -" Thorin gestured with his paw, "-have been replaced. Which means -"

"Someone's gone outside," Bilbo finished grimly. "Without permission."

Many variations of: "It wasn't _me_!" were uttered.

"I'm beginning to see what you mean about the mystery," Bilbo murmured to Thorin.

His cat made a face at him, then sternly said, "If 'none' of you did it, all of you are going to be punished."  
  
"What?"

"Nooo..."

"Unfair!"

"Daaaads..."

Their children weren't very large (unless you considered that everyone but Frodo was actually bigger than Bilbo) but they could certainly create a whole lot of noise. It was surprising that their humans hadn’t come to investigate, but then again, when they closed the door to their bedroom they usually stayed in their a while. And often made quite a bit of noise themselves.  
  
The protest continued for a while and just when Thorin drew after breath to silence them came a tiny little voice.

"It was me."  
  
" _Ori_?"  
  
The ginger kitten's head drooped like a flower that had not been given water. Rather like the petunias on the floor to think of it. "'m sorry."  
  
Bilbo glanced up at Thorin, who looked as surprised as he felt. "Darling, _why_?"  
  
"Wait," Thorin said. "Everyone not called Ori, leave."

"We're sorta called Ori," Nori pointed out with a glance at Dori. "We're definitely part Ori."

"Nori..." Thorin warned.

"Fine."  
  
Everyone filed out - some more slowly than others - until finally Bilbo and Thorin were left with Ori and the flowers. Their little kitten looked absolutely miserable, ears wilting and his tail curled tightly around him.  
  
"Ori you know you're not allowed to go outside on your own," Bilbo said quietly. "And we have that rule for a reason."

"I know." Ori almost spoke too quietly to be heard.  
  
"Then why did you break that rule?" Thorin's tone was gentle, though his bearing remained tall and stern and behind him his tail lashed once before stilling.

"I just... I saw you fetching the flowers, father and I... I thought daddy would like more colours. And..." Ori hesitated.

"Go on," Thorin prompted.

"AndIbrokesomeoftheyellowones. I didn't mean to. But I broke them and-"

Bilbo looked up at Thorin, silently questioning. The cat got to his feet and went to lick Ori's ear. "I know your intentions were good, son, but you must remember that your daddy and I make rules for a reason. You were too young to remember when the white..." Thorin spat the next word. "- _beast_ climbed in through the open window, and for that I am grateful, but there are dangers outside and you need to listen to us."

"We just don't want anything to happen," Bilbo said, rising up on his hind legs so he could bump their noses together.  
  
"I'm sorry," Ori said again. "I just wanted to help. And I didn’t want there to be _less_ flowers. I didn't _eat_ them though. Honest." A tiny nose wrinkled. "I don't think I like flowers. They smell strange.”

“Just promise us that you won’t do it again,” Thorin prompted.   
  
"I promise." Ori blinked up at Thorin. "Do I go to the cage now?"  
  
Thorin sighed. "I think you've learnt your lesson. Go to your siblings."  
  
“He’s a bit big for the cage anyway.” Bilbo sighed and collapsed onto his belly once Ori had left. "Nori almost got stuck in in the door the other day." He sighed again. "Being a parent is difficult."

"Indeed. Especially when the other parent is fond of _nibbling_."  
  
Oh darn it, Bilbo had just about forgotten about that. “Ah, so you’ve… noticed that?”  
  
“ _Indeed_ ,” Thorin said. “That was my- I mean, the children really seemed to like that toy, was it necessary to break it?”  
  
“I’m sorry, darling.” Bilbo blinked up at Thorin, trying his best to look suitably sorry instead of amused, because the _children_ had liked that toy, right.   
  
Thorin’s pale blue eyes looked down on him with all the dismay a cat could and that amount was not insignificant.  
  
“Perhaps if I were to nibble on something else?” Bilbo suggested.  
  
“Not the red ball,” Thorin said immediately, tail twitching.  
  
“No, darling.” Bilbo got to his feet and padded over to his mate. “When I said nibbling I meant, _nibbling_.” He stroked his cheek against Thorin’s side. “You like it when I nibble on _some_ things. And I like it too. And I _do_ wish to try and make up for wrecking the _children’s_ favourite toy.” 

With a huff Thorin slid down onto his belly. “I’ll hold you to that tonight then,” he murmured. “Climb on now, we best to see what our brood is up to. I don’t like how quiet it is.”   
  
He’d no sooner finished speaking before there was a loud thump and two sets of ears twitched.  
  
“Ori!” the human-Kíli shouted. “ _Yes_!”  
  
“Just the humans,” Bilbo remarked with some relief. “Though if the children ask just exactly what the two of them are doing I vote that you answer.”  
  
“Why should _I_ answer?” Thorin asked, folding his ears backwards.   
  
“Because I’ve had nine of your children, that gives me right to pass on conversations like that.”  
  
“I had four,” Thorin grumped. “And they were bigger.”  
  
“Nine is a bigger number than four darling, don’t try and make it otherwise.”  
  
Their ears twitched again when there was a sudden burst of excited meeping and meowing from the living room, followed by a slightly ominous silence.  
  
“Go,” Bilbo said to his mate. “I’ll catch up with you.”  
  
Stretching neck Thorin nudged their noses together, then he got to his feet and hurried towards the other room. Bilbo followed, after first snagging one of the yellow petunias.   
  
Waste not, want not.  
  


**Author's Note:**

> So we'll go back in time later and fill in some stuff, but this kinda happened in our inboxes so....
> 
> Also, have you met Dori, Ori, Nori and Dáin?
> 
>  


End file.
